After A LONG.... Absence

Ha... I have not been blogging after almost 1 year. So, readers (if you are still reading this dead blog), what have I been up to? Eeerrr... well, I found a church I thought I belong to but after some time, I don't know if I still want to go. The reason is I feel guilty after coming back from their Christian fellowship. Why? I don't know myself. I feel as it I don't deserve their friendship and the guilt eats me up inside.
Why am I so emo? Aahhh... that is another good question. You know, for the past few months, I have been battling depression due to too much loneliness. I thought of killing myself but actually too chickenshit to do so. I found some expired Prozac pills I wanted to swallow at one shot but I was too cowardly to do it. I feel so lonely like everybody has something to do but me. I feel as if I will live lonely and DIE LONELY. I feel... bad.
I doubt girls will like a guy with a sickness that I have. I feel as if God has cursed me to make me repay Him for my sins. No doubt I deserve the punishment. But, this is so harsh! Why punish me by cursing me with unending loneliness?

Babies

Humans overrated babies. Once a woman looked at a cute baby’s face, she would go ‘oohhh…’ and ‘aaahhh…’ over the disguised monster. Evolution has actually shaped human behaviour and physical features that encourage humans to have a protective instinct over a baby. Beneath the mask of cuteness lies a beast full of tantrum, yelling, selfishness and trouble.
Babies are extremely troublesome because they throw tantrum like nobody’s business. Whenever a baby does not get what he or she wants, the baby will cry. Can’t the baby do something better than crying?
Babies also have voices that can easily overpower the volume of a rock concert. Imagine all the sleepless nights parents go through just to pacify a baby back to sleep. Absolutely horrific!
A lot of adults get ‘tangled’ in the cute baby face that they see. They get so enchanted with the cutesy look that they forget all the mess that babies make.
This is a call for you to be like me. Go child-free. By choosing not to have children in a marriage or outside of marriage, you can actually have all your time and money to yourself. To hell with continuing the family line. This world already has enough trouble on its own like deforestation, political turbulence, global warming and most important of all overpopulation. We, humans, must become less so that Mother Nature has a fighting chance in regaining the Earth back.
Remember! Babies are OVERRATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whew! It has been a long time!

Finally, I could retrieve my blog password. The reason I did not blog earlier is because I lost my blogger password. Now only I have the time to reset my password.

So, what's up with me? Nothing much, I am still a teacher. I am still single. The school I work for just finished its annual School Production (concert). This year's concert is so much better than the previous one.

Meanwhile, my friends are going to the family-starting phase one by one. ST just got married last month. HF celebrated his baby's first month just yesterday. Now, where does that leave me? No where. I am still single as I said earlier. To tell you the truth, I never dated. Not even once. That makes me a loser, huh? I have been lying to my colleagues that I do not want to start a family while in truth, I want to be a father to a boy real bad. See? After a few years, this blog still remain my outlet to vent.

Oh well, I better go now. See ya!

Final Shift

I just shifted to my childhood place yesterday. Not the same house but the same area. I am happy to say that so far, this is the most beautiful house I have ever lived in. My parents and I put a lot of work to make this house beautiful. It is not a big house, just a double-storey terrace house. But, it is enough and for the first time, legally ours. All of us in the family are proud.

Looking at my childhood playground and other places brought up a lot of memories.

One downside of living here is that facilities like post office, bank and petrol station are quite far away. Oh, I forgot to mention that I hired somebody to build me a gigantic frame and in that frame, I put a lot of artwork that I admire, all of them wallpapers from my desktop. Once I have the time, I will post it on my Friendster for all to see. I am so proud of it! It cost me around RM260 to get that frame finished.

In another week's time, my school will reopened. I had a gfood break. During the holidays, I played Devil May Cry 3, Persona 3 and Call of Duty 3. Great games. I recommend you play them. I can't type for long because I am in a cyber cafe. I know I have not been updating my blog for a long time. Sorry. I gotta go. See ya.

Tithing and Reproduction

Man! Is it just me or tithing is becoming more and more difficult? I just got a big raise and naturally, that means a big tithe as well. I gave my tithe a moment ago and I felt the ouch if you know what I mean.

Before you lecture me about God's love, serving God rather than money, generosity encouraged, quote something from the Bible especially from Conrinthians etc etc yada, yada, I know all about it already. So, please STOP! It just does not make giving a large chunk of my money easier! Not when I am still bogged down by my education loan and my car loan.

If you are wondering, I am okay. I am just... I just need some time to accept this situation. Yesterday, my father urged me to finish paying the car loan faster by increasing my monthly installment. Why is it everybody is after my money?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel better already.

I feel better already.

I feel better... already.

I guess... by now, you know that I have a lot of baggage in my life huh? Which brings me to my next point: sex.

What?! Sex?!

Yeah, sex.

I believe, no matter how much baggage we have, we humans still want to mate and produce children. We mate like rabbits, we reproduce like rabbits and Mother Nature suffers as a result (due to quick depletion of resources). Part of me wants to believe that this urge of reproducing is evil and fight it, part of me wants to accept it because I know by denying this ancient urge is to deny what makes us human. Why? Oh why?! Humans, collectively, are a cancer to the Earth. We multiply and multiply till we kill the living daylights out of our host (Earth). When the Earth dies, so do we. In short, we can label ourselves as 'destructive parasites'.

God, help me fight my urge to reproduce.

Next secret: After years of being a Christian, I am still not sure whether I am going to Heaven.

My Secret

As usual, I visited the PostSecret website last Sunday. There was a new presentation in the form of a YouTube video. The secrets, instead of being presented in the normal jpeg format, was presented in a video, complete with music, no less. And oh my heaven! It was so moving. I even saw the postcard I printed for myself a while ago. It read: I like to remember my father as a boy so I won't remember him suffering.

All of us have secrets that will break your heart and yes, that includes you too, reader. Speaking of readers, I doubt I have readers anymore. Maybe it is because I update my blog irregularly or the tone of my blog is too 'dark' for their taste. I mean, I talk about suicide, Goth-ness, secrets, despair and the likes. And how many wants to read all that?!

Anyway, back to the topic, all of us are wearing 'masks' just to get on with our daily lives while the skeletons in our closets keep laughing at us and haunt our dreams. I have secrets too and because I am too lazy to post my secrets, I rather post it here: my own blog. Ready? Here goes:

I am afraid that no girl will like me because I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Yes, this is one of my fears. And yes, I am ashamed to share it with anybody. But, I did it anyway because I just need an outlet for my worry. I am okay. I am not suicidal. Just worried. I mean, Malaysians are a close-minded bunch when it comes to mental disorders. How am I going to find a mate with this baggage around me?

I have nothing more to say.

Scorpio: the ever vengeful sign?

Every astrological book I read says Scorpio (my zodiac) is a very vengeful sign. Now, the crux of the matter is whether this point applies when it comes to me.

I think the answer is...yes and no *ashamed and at the same time, proud*

Why yes? Well, because I remember a lot of wrongs people done to me. Consider those who babysat me: my relatives. When I was small, they kept telling me nasty things like 'you belong to the orphanage', 'you are useless' and 'you are stupid'. Now, you have to remember that back then I was still small and I did not know what is wrong, what is right, what is true and what is false. I was constantly bombarded by all these negative comments. I hated it. Fastforward about a decade later, a few of my relatives are dead. Yet, from time to time, I still remember their negative comments and how it hurt me.

Why no? Well, because although I remember the wrong people done to me, I have not done something seriously drastic as an act of vengeance. I think I have the capability to dish out cold, cruel vengeance but I never really did it. May be I will refuse those people who done me wrong any kind of help (I call it passive vengeance).

As a conclusion, I will describe myself as somebody who can forgive but never forgets. I guess I have a dark side, huh?

PS: It is the school holiday now. I am free and have nothing to do for about a month. Wow wee...